Enterprise 1.13

Starring: Scott Bakula, Dominic Keating & Jolene Blalock
Paramount Home Entertainment
RRP 13.99
Certificate: PG
Available now

Risa, planet of passion and persuasion where the drink is strong, the seas blue and warm and every visitor is guaranteed the vacation of a lifetime. Unless, of course, you're a crew member onboard Enterprise on shore leave...

Two Days and Two Nights actually feels quite a lot longer thanks to a plot that has Trip and Malcolm getting tricked by two beautiful women who are not quite what they seem, Archer getting involved with a woman and her dog [the dog's okay but her owner!] and Hoshi getting a shag from a dull alien with lumps on his forehead. And all the while there's a fantastic comedy plot about the doctor entering hibernation. Oh, how I laughed!

This dull, plotless tosh had me wishing for Klingon opera or a spell in a Vulcan monastery studying the works of their greatest philosophers. Either would have been more fun than Two Days and Two Nights. Remind me never to go to Risa - it looks dull.


Thanks to an ill-fitting plasma duct, Enterprise apparently kills the inhabitants of a planet. But it's a plot from the future to destabilise the present and the dead man from scene 64 returns to warn Archer that dark forces are afoot. People start to look serious - even ensign Mayweather stops grinning like a man on full strength happy powders - but before you can say "wake me when it's over" Archer is trapped in the future with no way home...

And so the first season reaches its conclusion. Will it be war with the Suliban? Will it be the end of the Enterprise mission? Will T'Pol stop pouting? Nearly, perhaps and no.

Most of Shockwave was so uninteresting that I can't remember it and those few fragments that did lodge made for frighteningly grim viewing. But hey! Who needs a plot, comprehensible dialogue or structure when you have time travel? Clearly not Enterprise. This fetid pile of old dingo's kidneys ends Enterprise, season one, with barely a whimper.

Anthony Clark

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